Tuesday, October 11, 2011

A brief history of the duck/kissy face photograph.

Allow me to briefly remind us all of the history of the kissy face pic.

The first time the look apeared on the face of any woman was when Mother Eve first bit into a sour, not yet ripened plumb after being cast out of the Garden of Eden. Adam, being smart, never told her how gross and completely unatractive she looked. Rather, he made sure to pick all the fruit for both of them from that time forth ensuring she ate only sweet fruit. It was a good call.

Mainstream kissy facing began to occur in Europe during the dark ages. Hygiene was in question. Toothpaste, floss, lip gloss and many other modern products had not yet come to light. Some of the most beautiful women somehow managed to maintain attractive smiles for short periods of their lives, but most others struggled with life long self esteem issues stemming from gross, ugly, tarter laden, disgusting smiles.
Some of these women in an awkard and forced effort to be sexy, began kissy facing.

It seemed genious at first... puckering up as if it was the best possible method of facial posing, while secretly accomplishing your first priorty of hiding your horrid smile. No potential suitor could see, or smell what horrors lurked behind those lips... He could even imagine normal teeth if he was "super artsy".

As other women began to see kissy facers leaving bars and walking in parks with misled men, they inevitably began to try it themselves. Unfortunately for them, the men of the time eventually saw the ladies' teeth and either bolted or were too far into the dowry process, and for fear of the inlaws, settled.
Word got out, men got wise to it, and just as kissy facing had nearly been erradicated from all the non-chimp portions of earth's animal kingdom, technology screwed things up.

The real evil of the invention of the photograph (even moreso than hispter photography and porn) was the fact that it has allowed women, mostly those with low self esteem, to capture permanently, the kissy face pose. On facebook, no man can digitally open the mouth of a photo's subject. He can't say something witty and charming to induce a truth telling grin. He can only shuffle through pic after kissy face pic, forever wondering if there is any true smiling potential behind his cyber prospects' ever protruding duckbilled fronts. The toughest of all men shed small tears of disapointment when confronted with such dilemas.

The single largest tragedy to befall the human race in this day and age is the inconceivable notion that women look good with a kissy face. It's inexcusable that an otherwise attractive woman might think she is best portrayed contorting her face into such a creepy, gross, abomination of facial musclulature that every male prospect (except for those who are into bestiality) would shun.

Please ladies... Put off the foolish traditions of pre-hyggenic female ancestry. It's unnatural. Show your pretty white chompers. Be proud of your God given smile. And whatever you do, please, eat only ripened fruits.


heidikins said...


Thank you. :)


Dianne said...

I had no idea how long duck face had been with humankind! Thanks for the informative stroll through history.

Shelby said...

Well said Joel. Well said.