Tuesday, October 11, 2011

A brief history of the duck/kissy face photograph.

Allow me to briefly remind us all of the history of the kissy face pic.

The first time the look apeared on the face of any woman was when Mother Eve first bit into a sour, not yet ripened plumb after being cast out of the Garden of Eden. Adam, being smart, never told her how gross and completely unatractive she looked. Rather, he made sure to pick all the fruit for both of them from that time forth ensuring she ate only sweet fruit. It was a good call.

Mainstream kissy facing began to occur in Europe during the dark ages. Hygiene was in question. Toothpaste, floss, lip gloss and many other modern products had not yet come to light. Some of the most beautiful women somehow managed to maintain attractive smiles for short periods of their lives, but most others struggled with life long self esteem issues stemming from gross, ugly, tarter laden, disgusting smiles.
Some of these women in an awkard and forced effort to be sexy, began kissy facing.

It seemed genious at first... puckering up as if it was the best possible method of facial posing, while secretly accomplishing your first priorty of hiding your horrid smile. No potential suitor could see, or smell what horrors lurked behind those lips... He could even imagine normal teeth if he was "super artsy".

As other women began to see kissy facers leaving bars and walking in parks with misled men, they inevitably began to try it themselves. Unfortunately for them, the men of the time eventually saw the ladies' teeth and either bolted or were too far into the dowry process, and for fear of the inlaws, settled.
Word got out, men got wise to it, and just as kissy facing had nearly been erradicated from all the non-chimp portions of earth's animal kingdom, technology screwed things up.

The real evil of the invention of the photograph (even moreso than hispter photography and porn) was the fact that it has allowed women, mostly those with low self esteem, to capture permanently, the kissy face pose. On facebook, no man can digitally open the mouth of a photo's subject. He can't say something witty and charming to induce a truth telling grin. He can only shuffle through pic after kissy face pic, forever wondering if there is any true smiling potential behind his cyber prospects' ever protruding duckbilled fronts. The toughest of all men shed small tears of disapointment when confronted with such dilemas.

The single largest tragedy to befall the human race in this day and age is the inconceivable notion that women look good with a kissy face. It's inexcusable that an otherwise attractive woman might think she is best portrayed contorting her face into such a creepy, gross, abomination of facial musclulature that every male prospect (except for those who are into bestiality) would shun.

Please ladies... Put off the foolish traditions of pre-hyggenic female ancestry. It's unnatural. Show your pretty white chompers. Be proud of your God given smile. And whatever you do, please, eat only ripened fruits.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Mysterious Trip Takers

She's gorgeous. She's smart. She can tell when I'm joking. She has a good job. She's capable of a good conversation. She's committed to her beliefs. Basically she's one of the those few women I'd really really like to try to ease into my life. Heck, forget ease in---Did you read the first sentance? She's all that and yet shes on the market? My eyes widen. My hopes sail. And I plan my move...
Guys, haven't we all met a handful of ladies just like this? Go ahead think back... Okay, now think about how many of those girls like this you've tried with through the years who are now married. Any?

I can list off the top of my head 6 women who fit this category that I've come across in the last 6 or 7 years, no wait,7 women. None them are married or even dating anyone seriously that I'm aware of (of course over that long a stretch some of them I am no longer aware of at all). Singleness seems to clash with the info in that 1st sentance I threw out there doesn't it? Well after much thought I have decided I know why.

Allow me to describe an experience I had a few years ago.
My gal pal worked with this beautiful girl and after going on a road trip with her she decided she was also of substance and that I needed to take her out. She talked her up so much that I decided it was worth a try.

The first phone call went okay. She seemed smart, funny, confident yet humble, and after seeing a few pics (yep guys are shallow) I was pretty into the idea of a date. She was right with me on scheduling one for the next weekend. 3 days before the night we had settled on she called and told me she had just found some slamming deal on some weekend trip and had to do it, but that the next weekend would work great. Trying to come across as the laid back stud that I try to portray I said no biggie, and that I'd touch base later. Well when I tried for the next weekend she had forgotten she was going somewhere with her family, and the week after wouldn't work either. I let it play out and after not hearing a peep in a couple more weeks I tried one last time. Yes! She'd love to! She flirtatiously told me to stop being a stranger and went on to say "call me after I get back from place X next week, and we'll set something up" I mumbled swear words, did some pushups and promptly wrote her off. I WISH I could say it was because I lost interest in her, but no, I just hated feeling rejected every other week for 2 months.

I know what you're thinking... She had something else going, or she was a bratt, or I need someone who will make me a priority. Well all those things MIGHT be true, BUT it doesn't change the fact that she was attractive in all the important aspects except the making time for Joel thing (which I thought she'd come around on if only she'd give me a couple dates to work my mojo)

Here's my point. We decide girls like this are lame, or selfish, or too needy of being at the right places to feel important, and we do it to justify why they don't give us any real time of day, but honestly, I don't think it goes that deep. I think they are just plain and simple gone too much on the weekends. They're still great...Still smart, pretty, successful, just knowingly or unknowingly unable to allow a dude to come along for the ride on the chosen lifestyle.

Now if this was just a one time thing I'd probably just roll my eyes and let it go, but it's not, at all. In the last year similar things have happened.. oh maybe 3 times... a handful of similar events have come up before that, always depending on my brashness in attempting to wo these mighty unconquerrable She-Titans.

"Oh poor Joel, the girls are feeding him lines to let him down easy." Maybe sometimes, but the fact that I'm straight, not addicted to porn, employed, and not super hideous(aka tall and not quite totally bald), usually gets me at least some initial time with some quality females in my age range. That, along with the fact that ALL the mysterious triptakers I still know of are still single, leads me to believe that this particular issue (definately not all of them, man cuz I have tons) is more based in them than me. Yeah it's still totally arguable, but it's my blog.

Let's do some math. If passenger A boards a train heading to Vernal travelling 64 mph in SLC at 5pm and passenger B boards a train at the same location at 7pm how fast must B's train go for the 2 passengers to meet up in the Vernal station and decide to go on a date? AND if both are cool and into each other, what is the likelyhood that they will (1) date? (2) get married? and (3) date but not get married until both their original spouses die over 30 years later? (wasn't that movie Dear John about something like that?) Ok ready for the answer?
A: This was a trick question because guess what... the girl (person A) didn't get off the the train in Vernal. She kept going to Omaha. Then Miami. From there she took a cruise with lots of hot people to the Bahamas. Then she went somewhere with a fake red carpet and took a bunch of pics to post on fb. After a day at home to do laundry and eat at a hip restaurant with the girls, she went to some dude who shave's his arms cabin, then 2 weeks at lake powell. Then a "work trip" to Australia, after which she imediately went to some place called Duck Beach which apparantly is mormon-cool.

Person B (the guy), hangs out for a couple days in Vernal then goes back to SLC and works on his house a lot. Goes to work every day. He tries to do something socially minded on the weekends if he can but oftens fails and just ends up watching a redbox or a football game while sanding lathe and plaster. Oh yeah, he also watches project runway and fights back the tears as he thinks about how he doesn't have a special someone to share it with. You're special Heidi Klume, but it's not the same. Now that's some sad sad Math.

The probability answers are as follows:(1) 1 chance in 3,854. (b) None. (c) 1 in 25 (call me a hopeless romantic).

Well there you have it. Single people are single for many different reasons, but when you meet that girl that you can't believe is still single don't get your hopes up. Try. By damn my good fellow, give it a shot. But if you fail, and you probably will, don't take it too hard. She stumped me too.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Aging OUT

So we have survived the first wave of bitter knuckleheads and attention starved females pointing fingers at slacker guys after this last general conference's theme of "get your butt married". It has initiated massive amounts of articles, blogs, tweets, and (can you still believe it?) real conversation on the topic. At first I thought I'd have mixed feelings on the issue, but I don't think I do. I'm 31, not close to changing my single status, and now looking in on the YSA wards that most say hold the key to getting married. I'm a proud person, which usually has me looking outward to find blame for failures that occur in my life. This time though, I must admit, I'm totally fine placing all the blame squarely on my own shoulders.

Many of my fellow Mormon Menaces are quick to point out how frustrating it is to hear the brethren speak of how things were "back in the day". How they just called on a girl till they fell in love and then got married. "Things are so different now" they all say to me, expecting a wholehearted agreement. One article I read placed all the blame on the single women. The author was clearly upset at getting chastened for not being married, while the women he was trying to date were off the hook even though THEY were the ones not marrying him. What a crock! Not really...

The fact of the matter is the brethren are right. We need to get married to someone. They want that happiness for us. They know we wont be happy married to a girl who obviously doesnt like us. (shoot for people in your price range folks)

I'd say the guys that are bitter about how conference went down should re-listen to Elder Scott's talk. He just talked about all the joys he found from marriage and then let the listeners decide if that was something we'd want. He didn't talk about how hot she looked in jeans or how many of his dude friends told him he landed a super hot babe. Rather he spoke of the joys he found learning and growing together. I'm sure he also enjoyed her physical beauty to a degree but the real joy he spoke of was much deeper. It of course is something we'd all want.

The other talks were a little bit more about how things were "back in the day" which yes, can be hard to relate to, but how about we view those talks much like we would any Book of Mormon story? We need to liken the scriptures to ourselves.

I find it very hard to believe that a solid member of the church is capable of likening Nephi's stories to him or herself but can't slightly adapt the situations of the apostles dating stories to find the lesson for us. I've never been told by an angel to behead anyone, yet I still think that story helps me be confident that doing God's will is the best thing I can do, regardless of how difficult I may find it.

I'll bet it was still scary for President Monson to call on a girl back then, whether it be at her home, or a barnraising dance or whatever ancient social events were done back then. It was probably the same kind of scary as it is for me to pick up a phone and call some girl I'd like to get to know better and see if she's willing to make some time for me. In both those situations I'll bet we felt a little more like Laban as far as sticking our neck out to the mercy of the female sword.

Just because we are spoiled in this day and age and it's so easy to be connected, doesn't mean we should get out of this life without having to stick our neck out and risk our own egos to get a date. Girls back then could say no just as easy as they can now. If you don't believe me go watch pride and prejudice. If you don't know what that is call your sisters.

Now I must walk away from the bounteous fields of the YSA wards to the very geographic ward many of the brethren themselves belong to. The Canyon Road Ward meets at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building and has an average age around 70 years old. There I will likely hear many questions about why a handsome young feller like myself is still single. I'll be told wives are great bedwarmers to keep the heating bill down in the winter. I may even be asked if I'm one of them "fruits". I'm sure I haven't yet heard them all. Maybe I'll take a notebook to write to document things.

Here's my point. If me hearing that stuff is what it takes to put dating at the forefront of my mind then let me hear that stuff. If the brethren have to give talks at conference to get me to turn my focus toward marriage then why can't I trust that that's exactly what I should do? I guess if it was something I knew I should do but really didn't want to, it would be different. Like if they said we should all shun Dr Pepper (officially).

I heard Elder Scott's talk, I saw my parents marriage growing up, I talk to my married friends, I've seen the Brady Bunch, Saturday's Warrior, and an occasional episode of Sister Wives, and all these things make me want to accomplish the task more than anyone else wants me to (not poligamy). It makes me feel loved when people desire that I have a good thing that they've experienced, even if old people are horrible at how they present ideas to my generation.

Most of all I know it's what God wants for me, and therefore I'm going to hear it from His reps on Earth without crying whining or pushing off the message onto others. The message is for me and I need to hear it. They aren't asking me to behead anyone like Nephi. And though at times I would definately prefer that to dating, it's the task at hand and It's gotta get done. That's all.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


Origal status: Who wants to go to a coffee shop tonight and slap some hipsters with me? It will be like carroling but more fun.
December 15, 2010 at 2:51pm ·LikeUnlike · Comment

A.J., J.S,B.L and 3 others like this..
R.V.H: slap some hipsters?
D.O: Done and done.
Joel Adams: We'll be hipster slappers, or "Hipslapsters" I like it.
A.S.: Bwhwhaaaaaa... I'll probably be there enjoying the hipster's quirkiness and enjoying some hot chocolate. I'll watch. And take pictures of you all. Perfect!
Joel Adams: Slap her D.O. Then we can take her camera and take pictures of athletes and deer while she's not looking.
D.O.: I do love pictures of athletes and deer ...
A.S.: Why don't you slap me, Adams? Are you scared?
Joel Adams: Yes. Yes I am.
N.W.: I want to come!
J.W.: That sounds like the perfect Christmastime activity! I wish I could come...boo for me.
S.Y.: You guys are gay. Hipsters are becoming more and more rare these days, as they realize that no one gives a crap if you look different if you can't make stuff happen. You should protect the waning population of hipsters. And take pictures of them in their natural habitat. Like deer.
J.W.: they don't look different. they look just like everyone else. just messier.
S.Y.: You're right. Which is why I am changing my position. Beat those messy turds! Seriously get a haircut, Ellen!
D.O.: Nothing says Christmas like hipster slapping.
J.W.: i can't believe you are all just catching on. this has been a tradition in my family for years. of course, they lived in seattle...
T.K.: leave hipsters alone
J.W.: um, they, by definition, don't care about this discussion, or even believe it really applies to them... but i love you T.K!
Joel Adams: The thing is a hipster doesn't even realize he is one untill it's often too late. He just tries to be like his other friends... hit all the scenes... eat all the humus. Then, one day he looks in the the mirror through his non prescription... thick framed glasses at his mop head hair style and trimmed to look untrimmed beard. As his glance lowers from his v-neck- always brown sweater to his canvas shoes with no socks he notices his pants and realizes why he hasn't produced any testosterone in the last 2 years. He tries to sob. He wants to feel pain, but cannot. He has become a hipster and can no longer love anything but woven items and things made by Mac. His parent's still love him, but cant stand to talk to him. His girlfriend loves hating him almost as much as she loves looking like a vietnamese hooker wrapped in a rucksack.
He has nothing now. Nothing but vintage salt and pepper shakers from one of those antique stores in Logan. Sadly he wanders into a coffee shop full of others like him. All trying to be different in exactly the same way. He sits down, sips his tea, and gets slapped in the face, by a hipslapster. He feels a rush of emotion and is overwhelmed by the touch of another human soul. He hates what he's become.
J.W.: so...you're really performing service tonight! i always knew you were a do-gooder, joel...
Joel Adams: Tis the season.
D.O.: I ♥ service.
S.S.: Count me in ... when and where!?
S.Y.:We should knock them out and sew yellow patches in the shape of off-brand horn-rimmed sunglasses on their jackets. But I won't be there tonight.
Joel Adams: The thing tonight is fake anyway.
T.K.: Hating on a hipster is so much more cliche than being one.

Joel Adams: I think you're confusing hating and slapping.
S.Y.: T.K with the body blow! Good one! Although BEING a hipster just has to be miserable, they just don't admit it. At least the rest of us admit that we live in misery. Then promptly do our best to alleviate the pain by bringing others down.
N.W.: You mean by slapping them?
Joel Adams: My favorite hipsters are the ones that are pure lumberjack from the waist up and 14 year girl from the waste down. It's such a fascinating and successful contrast. If you want to see an example, go to what they call "Sugarhouse" (the liberty park area) right now and find one of the many houses with a party going on. You will surely see a posse of these lumberboppers loafing outside on the porch. If you compliment them on their scarves they will hug you and give you a business card to their up and coming new company.
A.N.: Joel it sounds like you really know what a hipster is. And the hate is seething through. Anytime you want to slap one I am game just by your description of them. I should focus my slapping on a specific group anyways.
S.C.: Yes please.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

up late

I get thoughtful and ponder the meaning of life for at least 2 weeks after a frustrating break up. Here's a poem I came across that, although cheesy, explains exactly how I feel at 1:22 am. I'll get back to trying to be witty later.

Untitled, by Filiberto Jones

Empty spaces on a page
Readied pen waits to engage
The language clear the meter set
But ink and paper haven’t met

Yellowed, stiff, and turning stale
Its purpose to relate a tale
Good or Bad
Afflicted, healed
Its perfect, blank, and unfulfilled

The gouging point leaves words cut in
Like scarring wounds across the skin
For all to read
For it to feel
Potential dies or becomes real

Eternal verse on mortal page
Faded ink is now the gauge
Of victories won
And of defeat
Ink and paper have to meet.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Memo to the Ladies

Recently I was charged by my Bishop to oversee a Dating panel aimed to help the dudes in my ward try to overcome or at the very least identify areas in which we can improve. I asked a handfull of pretty amazing females, some solid guys, and a married couple to be the panel.
We tried to get a good mix of outgoing folks and people who my be a little quiet.

Overall the discussion was pretty productive, but one common tune in many of the comments by the females is that guys need to man up and not avoid dating. They also need to not use wimpy methods to ask girls out. They like a guy with confidence and a straightforward approach to inviting them to well planned social interactions. I had never before noticed how big a deal that is to women, after all I somehow have managed to find possiblities in dating, even though I have a deathly fear of calling one on the phone. Yes I do call, and It always is good progress (they either are glad I call, or my humility gets a nice shot of strngth) but I don't think I have ever in my life just called a girl cold turkey without some sort of an idea that she'd most likely be at least sort of interested. After much thought I have decided there are few things girls need to understand about guys. Many will disagree me, but oh well.

Often times the best guys are not necesarily the best daters.

At first, any contact is good contact.

If a guy sends you a text, an email, a cyber "nudge", or any other silly little thing, PLEASE take it as a compliment rather than an insult. This means he is trying to see if you are ok with him hanging around the idea of the 2 of you getting to know each other. If you respond positively and he never takes it beyond those feeble levels, then you have permission to hate his guts or think of him as a major wimp.

Give a dude the benefit of the doubt (at first). Many guys come across as very confident. That's because they probably are, in most aspects of their lives. They key word there is MOST, in fact tons of guys are confident in almost everything EXCEPT dating.

I'm a fairly confident basketball player, mostly because in years long past I avoided any social activity I could by playing hoops in my driveway, so if you see me playing ball you may expect me to be confident (or even a tad cocky?) in other aspects of my life. But what if you saw me trying to sight read some difficult bass line of a song my musically talented brother roped me into performing with him and 2 experienced female singers in church? Would you think I was confident then? Nope, you would not.

Girls need to help guys gain confidence socially by being polite and honest, maybe even a little patient with the dumb early contact antics. Don't expect a skilled engineer to know all the ins and outs of dating like he would laterall load calculations (heck he even has pc software to help him with that) Don't expect the spiritually gigantic kid who bore his testimony last month with great physical command and clear communication, to be nearly as brave when calling up a girl he thinks is pretty.

I do agree that guys need to man up, but every man starts out a baby.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Cancer Sucks, and not just for the normal reasons.

So I worked for a couple years at a place after my mission, and in the process became friends with a few of my fellow employees. One them was a really funny semi-sarcastic gal that we shall call "Ramona" (that's not even close to Ashley is it?) The friendship consisted of lots of joking, a little bit of the regular office gossip, and an occasional lunch trip with our other worker pals. Nothing "tight" but still good enough friends I would say. So eventually I went to grad-school and left that job. She transferred offices, got married, and had a kid, as is the human tradition. A couple years later we became facebook friends. She ocassionally posts funny things on which I comment from time to time and vice versa. This is how our very limited friendship has remained. Today that friendship has ended. (*frightening beat* -"dooh dooh dooh")

Now before I explain the gorey details of this untimely facebook friendship death, there is something the reader (and I know there aren't many) needs to understand about me. Something I thought "Ramona" knew... I find inapropriate things to be funny. Theres just something to be said for putting your foot in your mouth.

I have joked about dead people hugging Jesus. I have laughed out loud during very somber family prayers, I almost got kicked out of scout camp at age 13 for sarcastically challenging a 40 yr old leader from another troop to fight for the rights to a lame rope swing hanging over a tiny stream. I once pulled a YSA group into feeling massive amounts of guilt for laughing at comments I made about how Jesus (who I love profoundly and truly believe would crack a smile over some brotherly banter) would probably suck at basketball for various inapropriate reasons.

None of these things were helpful to me to become a better a person, or beneficial to anyone involved in any way, BUT they have all added a sort of flavor to certain instances in my past that I still think back on and can't help but smile. Sometimes I just think of things that are so "not ok to say" that I just have to say them regardless of the consequences, just to see what will happen. You may say "No Joel, you don't have to say them. We all are free to choose." But those who would say that, don't understand me and probably wouldn't be very fun to hang out with.

Now this is not an excuse for the following behavior I exhibited; Rather an explanation of why I had to do what I did.

The following is copied directly from "Ramona's" Facebook status:

"Christmas will come early for a five year old Michigan boy this year. Noah Biorkman is battling cancer and is not expected to live much longer. Noah's family is celebrating Christmas next weekend (November 13th and 14th) and Noah loves Christmas cards. Noah's mom is asking for Christmas cards for her son. Please take the time to send a card or letter to: Noah Biorkman, 3480 Petoskey Way, Milford, MI 48380"

I very wrongly commented on her post:

"Dear Noah,
Thanks for bumming us all out this holiday season by getting cancer. You have ruined Christmas for everyone!"

Another of Ramonas friends posts: "WOW"

I then left my computer and went to FHE. This morning when I came in to work, I went to the original post to see the hatred and bitterness that I was sure to recieve as a side effect. Alas, she had deleted my post and no one else had commented. I thought it was probably ok because I wasn't feeling like having to deal with the backlash anyway, and I felt a little bad for making Ramona, who knows me and would probably think it was at least kind of funny at some level, have to deal with my immaturity on an issue she obviously felt strongly about. To get a feel for her thoughts on it I posted "Hey! Where's my comment?"

She replied with:

"I can't believe you posted that comment. You are such a loser. Have a freakin' heart. It is one thing to be funny, but that was just immature and inappropriate. I have been meaning to "un"friend you over it, but can't do that one my work computer. Maybe later tonight, jerk!"

Well she somehow managed to unfriend me 5 minutes later, rather than later tonight. I tried to explain myself in another post but I was blocked from commenting. I did send her a personal email however stating that there was no way this story could be true and it was probably some stupid internet hoax..... Then I googled the kid and found out it is legit. Oops.

And so ends the friendship....

I guess I deserved it. I guess it's ok for you to hate me for finding joy in saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I guess I should grow up. I guess Ramona is probably right. But maybe.... just maybe one of you read my horrible comment and felt a little bit guilty for smiling, or even letting a small burst of laughter-like air bubbles exit your lungs before you thought about how wrong it was, and began plotting my death. And if one, JUST ONE of you did either of those things.... I say to one and all, the laid back folk and the people with objects lodged tightly up thier rears alike, and with not enough remorse to ruin my day"It was worth it"

(If you are my fb friend and now choose to unfriend me and never read this crappy blog again, I will understand, but just remember... My next blog will be a hypothetical, yet soon to be very possible, preview on who would win a 1 on 1 basketball game between little Noah, and Jesus. Stay tuned.)