Cancer Sucks, and not just for the normal reasons.

So I worked for a couple years at a place after my mission, and in the process became friends with a few of my fellow employees. One them was a really funny semi-sarcastic gal that we shall call "Ramona" (that's not even close to Ashley is it?) The friendship consisted of lots of joking, a little bit of the regular office gossip, and an occasional lunch trip with our other worker pals. Nothing "tight" but still good enough friends I would say. So eventually I went to grad-school and left that job. She transferred offices, got married, and had a kid, as is the human tradition. A couple years later we became facebook friends. She ocassionally posts funny things on which I comment from time to time and vice versa. This is how our very limited friendship has remained. Today that friendship has ended. (*frightening beat* -"dooh dooh dooh")

Now before I explain the gorey details of this untimely facebook friendship death, there is something the reader (and I know there aren't many) needs to understand about me. Something I thought "Ramona" knew... I find inapropriate things to be funny. Theres just something to be said for putting your foot in your mouth.

I have joked about dead people hugging Jesus. I have laughed out loud during very somber family prayers, I almost got kicked out of scout camp at age 13 for sarcastically challenging a 40 yr old leader from another troop to fight for the rights to a lame rope swing hanging over a tiny stream. I once pulled a YSA group into feeling massive amounts of guilt for laughing at comments I made about how Jesus (who I love profoundly and truly believe would crack a smile over some brotherly banter) would probably suck at basketball for various inapropriate reasons.

None of these things were helpful to me to become a better a person, or beneficial to anyone involved in any way, BUT they have all added a sort of flavor to certain instances in my past that I still think back on and can't help but smile. Sometimes I just think of things that are so "not ok to say" that I just have to say them regardless of the consequences, just to see what will happen. You may say "No Joel, you don't have to say them. We all are free to choose." But those who would say that, don't understand me and probably wouldn't be very fun to hang out with.

Now this is not an excuse for the following behavior I exhibited; Rather an explanation of why I had to do what I did.

The following is copied directly from "Ramona's" Facebook status:

"Christmas will come early for a five year old Michigan boy this year. Noah Biorkman is battling cancer and is not expected to live much longer. Noah's family is celebrating Christmas next weekend (November 13th and 14th) and Noah loves Christmas cards. Noah's mom is asking for Christmas cards for her son. Please take the time to send a card or letter to: Noah Biorkman, 3480 Petoskey Way, Milford, MI 48380"

I very wrongly commented on her post:

"Dear Noah,
Thanks for bumming us all out this holiday season by getting cancer. You have ruined Christmas for everyone!"

Another of Ramonas friends posts: "WOW"

I then left my computer and went to FHE. This morning when I came in to work, I went to the original post to see the hatred and bitterness that I was sure to recieve as a side effect. Alas, she had deleted my post and no one else had commented. I thought it was probably ok because I wasn't feeling like having to deal with the backlash anyway, and I felt a little bad for making Ramona, who knows me and would probably think it was at least kind of funny at some level, have to deal with my immaturity on an issue she obviously felt strongly about. To get a feel for her thoughts on it I posted "Hey! Where's my comment?"

She replied with:

"I can't believe you posted that comment. You are such a loser. Have a freakin' heart. It is one thing to be funny, but that was just immature and inappropriate. I have been meaning to "un"friend you over it, but can't do that one my work computer. Maybe later tonight, jerk!"

Well she somehow managed to unfriend me 5 minutes later, rather than later tonight. I tried to explain myself in another post but I was blocked from commenting. I did send her a personal email however stating that there was no way this story could be true and it was probably some stupid internet hoax..... Then I googled the kid and found out it is legit. Oops.

And so ends the friendship....

I guess I deserved it. I guess it's ok for you to hate me for finding joy in saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I guess I should grow up. I guess Ramona is probably right. But maybe.... just maybe one of you read my horrible comment and felt a little bit guilty for smiling, or even letting a small burst of laughter-like air bubbles exit your lungs before you thought about how wrong it was, and began plotting my death. And if one, JUST ONE of you did either of those things.... I say to one and all, the laid back folk and the people with objects lodged tightly up thier rears alike, and with not enough remorse to ruin my day"It was worth it"

(If you are my fb friend and now choose to unfriend me and never read this crappy blog again, I will understand, but just remember... My next blog will be a hypothetical, yet soon to be very possible, preview on who would win a 1 on 1 basketball game between little Noah, and Jesus. Stay tuned.)

Why Boozer's gotta go.

http://lakers.fandome.com/video/111417/Kobe-Destroys-Paul-Millsap/

Watch this clip. Ok so the website, the announcers and probably all the fans in attendance think Kobe dunked on Paul Millsap. Now watch the clip again and focus on Carlos Boozer... Done? Ok so Korver is guarding Kobe. Boozer's man sets a pick. Boozer then surprisingly hedges out (this means the instant that HIS man picks his teammate Korver, he takes a big step the direction Kobe is headed to. This keeps him from getting to the hoop momentarily, then when Korver recovers Boozer can slip back onto his guy) This is considered good defense (Yay for Carlos!). Ok so Kobe then reverses direction and tries to beat Korver to the middle of the court. In this he succeeds, but it should be ok because once again Boozer is right there ready to help cover Kobe. I can only imagine what Boozer is thinking at this point. "Ok baby, here comes Kobe. Now I can either stay where I am, in perfect defensive position to majorly disrupt Kobe's shot, force him to pass, or at the very least foul him and make him earn the points from the free throw line..... OR I can push my guy backwards to get us both out of Kobe's way, flail my arms like I'm trying to fly, and take a huge bunny hop AWAY from the hoop (where Kobe is headed), OK I think I'll do the 2nd option." This is the worst possible defense a human being could play and I REALLY don't understand why he does it. This is basic Jr Jazz 4th grader stuff here people. At least the 4th grader wouldnt have been able to push Andrew Bynum out of the way and Kobe would have been disrupted by his own guy. Paul Millsap came out of nowhere to even get a chance to disrupt Kobe's dunk at all, didn't achieve such a lofty miracle, and took all the blame on the play. Not cool.

Competing with the pros?

Growing up I viewed professional and even college athletes not so much as role models but definately as people who were older than me. I was a little kid when Michael Jordan was in his prime. I was in Highschool when he won his last championship. I think I was still in Elementary school when mormon superstud Steve Young filled in for a mildly injured hall of famer Joe Montana and quickly stole his starting spot and won the league MVP the same year.

Somewhere in my mind these athletes are categorized as old. Although it started to freak me out a little when I realized I'm now older than almost the entire Jazz Roster (thanks Jarron, Brevin, and Matt), it didn't quite sink in untill a girl I once dated, who lived back east, who I still kept in touch with "just in case" cancelled a trip to Utah (where she would have got a couple dates from me), opting instead to go to NYC to "hang out" with her "just a friend" friend Brian Kehl who plays professional football for the Giants. I guess she met him at some sort of BYU type place either in provo or Hawaii.

Lucky for me I wasn't too torn up by all this but it did feel a little wierd to compare myself to a healthier way more attractive physically, younger than me, future if not already millionare. Oh well I thought how many times can THAT happen.

The next weekend I was hanging out with a girl on whom, I must admit, I did have a fairly healthy crush. I knew from facebook corrospondence that she had recently met current NBA great Mark Madson on a hike(career averages of .1 points 2 rebounds, 5 fouls in 3 minutes of action). Well her brother called or something and they spent the next few minutes chatting about him and her young relationship with him. This wasn't a date, and she hadn't led me on, so it was fine manners, but man...... twice in 2 weeks?

Immediately my mind started down the path it always does when a girl clearly picks someone else over me. Why him? What's he got that I don't? That wierdo? C'mon! But this time there were answers. Why him? He's rich, will retire early, and will still be rich when that happens. Can you blame the girl? I mean he's LDS. What's he got that I don't? 2 NBA Championship rings, money, considerably larger muscles, and way way way more skill at the exact same leisure activity/ hobby that is hands down my best event. (though I do think I could out shoot him from behind the arc.... anyone believe that? Ok maybe not) Then I thought of slandering his reputation... After all he did make sportscenter for dancing on a float after one of the Lakers Championship seasons. Youtube it sometime if youre thinking of going for him ladies. Dancing Skills aside.... I concluded you can't feel bad to get beat by a pro.

Back in the day my man Timmy went on a couple dates with a girl who had recently broken up with Chris Anderson. Now he's getting lots of minutes with the Denver Nuggets. That girl was lame and Tim's of course much better off with Holly, but It was also wierd. I went to 7 years of school, have 3 degrees, whereas homeboy dropped out of school, abandoned his mom, did all kinds of drugs, but is good at hoops so he makes in half a practice twice what I make in 3 years.

Mhhhh..... Oh well.

Speaking of Tim, his highschool girlfriend made out with pop-icon Mark McGrath in hawaii, while he was serving the Lord in Portugal. The funniest thing about it was how excited she was to tell me once i got home. i was like "Ok and youre proud of this why?" She was like "cuz he's Sugar Ray!! thats so hot!!"

In conclusion: Niether of the 1st 2 girls I mentioned are still after their respective pro-boy-toys (incidentally they arent after me either). And from what I know about the girl who macked sugar ray I have decided that I don't really need to, much less want to compete with the pros.

I am JOEL, son of GARY. I do not have a 6 pack. I am not famous. I'm the least tan person I know who isn't dead. I have wierd chest hair. I make dorky references to Lord of the Rings. I make very little money when compared to the amount of college debt i have. My Nose is crooked and I have to concentrate to not walk like a penguin. But I can sing better than Mark Madsen, I'm not a BYU alum like Brian Kehl, and I guarantee I can kick the CRAP out of Mark McGrath one on one.

J0 8 EL

Lord of the Rings VS Harry Potter

I'm a little ashamed I'm even blogging about this because to me there really is no comparison. BUT I had this debate with a close friend the other day and I feel I need to end it once and for all, not just between me and the friend, but the entire world.

Lord of the Rings wins. It doesn't only win it really really wins. You probably already know why but I'll review a couple things anyway. In fact, lets make this a mini-series

Today, Installment number 1 "Bad Guys"

It's real stupid how all the bad guys and good guys in ALL THE LAND are so closely tied together in Harry Potter.

In Middle Earth the good guys and bad guys didn't all know each other and go to school together back in thier younger days. In HP every little SECRET plot twist goes back to Harry's parents and one of his school teachers, or one of his teachers and a bad guy, or a bad guy and one of his parents.... Did evil people exist outside this small circle of friends? Maybe in that world there was competition among the evil bad guys and they had clicks. What if Harry and his friends had to find out secret evil pasts of people who went to school somewhere OTHER than hogwarts? Like Cornell...or SLCC? I think it would have been even scarier if Voldemort had been homeschooled in Canada. WOW... that really has potential.

Anyway, Lord of the Rings is much more wholistic and inclusive of it's bad guys. Worm tongue came from Rohan, The balrog came from hell. Cave trolls I assume came from caves, I'm not really sure where Mountain trolls came from. Sauron's past isn't really revealed in the series of published books though they say it's explained elsewhere. Maybe he started out good and was turned evil by multiple female rejections. Gollum was once sort of a hobbit like person, but not from the same area or bloodlines as Frodo. Heck there were even 3 different groups of orcs who all hated each other. In fact of ALL the many bad guys, Saruman was the only one who we can assume had a similar education to a good guy (Gandalf). Maybe they were old wizard highschool band buddies. I assume they went to the same school because they are of the same "Order", maybe Saruman was a few years ahead of Gandalf. It seems clear that by the time Gandalf came through the Cher hair craze had died down and people were more into hacky sacking or long boarding. So yeah. It's dumb when stories affix universal bad guys to local good guys like in Harry Potter. It's way better when the bad guys become bad in thier own way and it doesn't necesarily have to be tied to some small town humble hero. That way the small potato has to overcome the greater evil... yadda yadda.. save the world.... Oh yeah, let's not forget the Sheeba the spider(i think thats her name). She probably had just a regular spider's background...No wierd strings attached (get it) to Frodo, OR Aragorn, or anyone else for that matter....Born in some dark place. Lots of siblings, she probably ate most of them to help her get big. Maybe she had a couple boyfriends that got her into rock climbing or spellunking, before she sucked out thier insides. I doubt she was ever in love with frodo's mother, although maybe if she had been she could have saved him a lot of trouble by promising to watch out for him... Outwardly hating the half of him that reminded her of his father who beat her out for his mother's affection, but sadly loving the memories conjured deep in her soul as she looked into those same defiant eyes that Lilly had..... We don't know what Frodo's mom's name was, but I think it could have been Lilly.

Do you get my point? Lord of the Rings bad guys are much more believable.

BRAD ROCK IS DUMB

Ok so for a while now I've been wanting to expose Brad Rock, the deseret News Sports guy as the not funny twit that he really is. Now I don't actually mind his sports coverage but I HATE his "ROCK ON" column, in which he seems to think he is funnier than Connan Obrien. Allow me to break down his latest article... His words are in pink, my narrative in blue.

Brad Rock Proving ground
It's tough being quarterback at a famous school like Alabama.
How tough?(tell me brad) John Parker Wilson had his cell number stolen by LSU fans and posted on the Internet. (Oh THAT Tough!)
Then there are those ridiculous expectations. (Oh yeah I HATE those)
In a November Sports Illustrated story, Jay Barker, the last Tide QB to win a national title (1992) said, "I just hope he can go away with a championship. That's where your legacy is, how you make your stamp as an Alabama quarterback."
Here in Utah, we don't worry about things like national championships. We just decide a guy's legacy by whether he comes out a winner in the annual BYU-Utah game.
The rest is just details. (Ok maybe he's not trying to be funny yet. )
Who's who
Plaxico Burress was the NFL's best story last week after showing up at a hospital with a gunshot wound in his thigh. Subsequent reports said the New York Giants receiver accidentally shot himself at a nightclub.
He originally identified himself to medical staffers as "Harris Smith" and said he had been shot at an Applebee's restaurant.
That's the problem with getting arrested when you're a pro athlete.
If they recognize you, you're in trouble.
If they don't, that's not a good sign, either. (Ok I can handle that one I guess)
Known cohort
Rock On sources say police didn't get suspicious until Burress/Harris told them he had been out scarfing hot wings with Ron Mexico. (HAHAHAHAHA....Wait who is Ron Mexico? Oh, I googled it. I guess it was an alias Michael Vick used once. HILARIOUS! Now we're rolling!)
Course distractions
The cost of golf has become ridiculous.
At the Royal Links Golf Club in Las Vegas, it'll set you back $225 — and that's just for the caddy.
"Par Mates" are female caddies who, according to their Web site, are hired to "keep golfers company." Other responsibilities include calling in food and beverage orders, keeping score, repairing divots, fixing ball marks, cleaning clubs and helping with yardage.
The Mates have names like Erica (advertised as Penthouse Pet), Brianne and Fawne.
"Now more of what you come to Vegas for!" says the Web site.
Wait, don't most people come for the 99 cent breakfasts? (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAAHHAHA!!!!!
It's SOOO TRUE! Food really IS cheap in Vegas! HA HA HAHAHAHAH, oh Brad...)
Love conquers all
Expedia's "Go Like Pro" survey recently revealed that 18 percent of pro football fans would never marry a fan of their team's biggest rival.
Good thing the survey wasn't about college. (why Brad?)BYU quarterbacks coach Brandon Doman not only married a Ute fan, they had their wedding reception at Rice-Eccles Stadium.
Who says true love isn't bigger than sports?
Unless, of course, sports are your only true love.

(what does that mean? "who says true love isn't bigger than sports?" ok so that's a question right? followed up by "unless of course sports are your only true love" Unless who? what? Am I only supposed to answer the question if sports are or AREN'T my only true love? I'm sure this is funny Brad, cuz you're hilarious, so I wont question it anymore just cuz it has confused me. Oh yeah the laugh... HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHA. You're such a funny dude! Brad!)

Finishing burst
Jacksonville Jaguar running back Fred Taylor passed O.J. Simpson on the all-time career rushing list last weekend.
Which is a nice accomplishment.
Still, as the Juice proved, the true test of greatness is how long a guy can stay in the news after his career his over. (or maybe the TRUE test of greatness is how long a guy can keep WRITING the news after his career SHOULD be over.)

Utes vs Cougars 08

I guess we didn't really STORM the field. It was more like a nice little stroll once the crazies had all made it out of our way. Since this is just a stupid blog and I am past the days of living and dying by the success of my favorite sports teams, I won't do as I would have 5 years ago by ripping on the blue nation but I do think there were some REALLY COOL things that happened that night that I would like to relive a little here. That being said I am a Ute fan and somewhat of an anti-old stubborn dude BYU fan so I might get a couple jabs in here and there. Don't worry Y fans, If you're cool enough to be reading my blog I'm sure none of this will be directed at you.
1. Got my pic taken with Paul Kruger. This is actually the one i took for Tim, but it's a better picture so who cares. The kid walking into the picture tapped Kruger on the arm and asked him why he didnt take his interception to the house. Looking up at me and Timmy he shook his head in disgust and said "No kidding dude" (I have a hard time cheering for some types of football stars due to things I heard of happening at thier parties and among the athletic departments to cover those things up, but not for this dude. He's an RM who got his stomach sliced open by a thug with a knife while defending his loudmouth little brother who yelled something stupid. He also kicks butt)

2. The coolest part of the night was when the Y guys started doing the Haka before the game started and the home team stormed thier party and nearly caused a brawl. In my weeks at the MTC the Polynesian dudes would do the Haka almost every sunday night before thier homies left for thier first areas. There was a Hawaiin Elder in my district who got irked when his fellow Polys would teach it to thier whiteboy companions. I think the Polynesians on the U sideline may have had similar feelings as these, and since probably more than half the Hakateers at that game were pretty little whiteboys I must admit that it gave me pleasure to see it broken up. A lot of people are saying it was disrespectful for the Utes to do that but come on U.C., BYU stormed the field in the middle of Utah's senoir's night presentations which everyone could clearly see was pretty lame and immature. Anyway, there was an exciting spirit of hatred that made each play that much more fun to watch.

3. We won- Josh and I couldn't help but laugh to see Tim cheer. He wasn't cheering toward the field. Instead he turned around completely and cheered toward the various BYU fans behind us in the stadium. My personal favorite was when he started yelling "Yeah Baby! arent you glad you paid 200 bucks to watch this?!" (we overheard them before the game talking about how much it cost them). It's always fun to have to friends like that. Like 3 years ago I went to Cedar Point (awesome rollercoaster park in Ohio) with him, my sister and some other people. He had done extensive research on each ride and actually made us sprint to the entrance and to the first few rollercoasters.

4. I'm sorry Brian Johnsen. I thought you sort of sucked. You don't.

5. I'm sort of sorry Max Hall. You had me worried and I thought you were by far the better QB going into the game. You played very poorly, and I think if Bobby Anae had been smart he would have kept running it and it would have been a much closer game.

6. Austin Collie. I'm pretty annoyed that you are good because I don't like you, but yes, you are good.

7. BCS part 2. Looking over the season, I'd say we aren't as good as the 04 team. BUT, looking at individual quarters, and specifically that last game, I think we CAN be even better. So bring on anyone and lets see how we do.

okay thats enough.